Wednesday, September 26, 2012

On Gratitude

Have you ever looked at your reflection, having it staring at you, and it feels like, somehow, there is nothing else you can do but to be grateful?

I am not sure if this is the kind of feeling I am in. Honestly, I cannot even explain what it is. I hate not being able to describe things into words, yet I constantly feel things (are they even "things"?) but I cannot tell what they actually are. However, let me break down the symptoms for now and see if that would help.

First thing first. Usually, such indefinable state of mind happens after a series of events that trigger different kind of impressions, and such feelings are oddly mixed altogether through such weird circumstances.

Second of all, because of the said circumstance, I will freak out. In this stage, I wish I have some chill pills to take, but all I can do is only to scream silently and hope I will stop freaking out anytime soon. I will try to distract myself through doing professional responsibilities, but since I have none at the moment, I could only browse aimlessly even though I know it can do me no good.

Thirdly, I will just give up on the attempts to make myself sober, and then I will stare hopelessly at the mirror, or any reflection-producing surfaces, as if I am trying to look for clues by mentally asking, "Mirror Mirror on the wall, what the hell is happening?"

Often times, I would gaze at my reflection, who (or which?) is staring back at me, only to feel oh-so-stupid. But earlier today, strangely, I looked at my office computer screen and felt weirdly amazed. I could not tell why, but suddenly the thought of I-cannot-believe-I-am-so-blessed-to-be-in-this-situation hit me and stuck in my conscience. Everything was so well-put together: the song I was listening to through the new headphone I won from a lucky draw, the job I have that brought me to this very seat in this cubicle, the opportunities that keep on coming to me... it makes the future seems to be so, well, promising. And I was giddily ecstatic, as if I can burst into bubbles of excitement.

Yet, at (almost) the same time, I was scared too. Yes, the future can also scare me oh so much. I am still nervous, my fingers tremble as I type this (although probably I can blame the AC at the office too). But I am afraid, really really afraid, for way too many reasons, one of them for screwing things up, because it happens way too often.

Honestly, I still cannot calm myself down completely and it feels kind of awful. However, as this situation happens quite frequently for the past few months, I sort of know how to deal with it.

I would hold on to the thought that whatever may happen, it will happen for the best of reasons, and it is just a matter of time before I realise that. I do not buy the line "prepare for the worst", because in most cases, what considered as "worst" is simply the "best" circumstance, with the delayed understanding as to why it is the best that can happen.

And when that happens, I know that I can only be hopelessly grateful.

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